RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority
tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred
Simurgh, of Arabian fable – omnipotent on condition that it do
nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in
our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading
devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to
the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now
held in light popular esteem.
RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
He held at court a rank so high
That other noblemen asked why.
"Because," ’twas answered, "others lack
His skill to scratch the royal back."
RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller,
nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.
RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.
RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point
out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained
that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and
that riz-de-veau a la financiere is not the smile of a calf prepared
after the recipe of a she banker.
RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.
RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded
RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.
"Now lay your bet with mine, nor let
These gamblers take your cash."
"Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes!
How can you be so rash?"
Bootle P. Gish
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,
experience and reflection.
RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans.
RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty,
by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to
affirm his worth.
REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within
which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the
propensity to provide.
This is a truth, as old as the hills,
That life and experience teach:
The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
An impediment of his reach.
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it
consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and
humor in slang.
We know by one’s reading
His learning and breeding;
By what draws his laughter
We know his Hereafter.
Read nothing, laugh never –
The Sphinx was less clever!
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the
affairs of to-day.
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ
that a scientist is a fool with.
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get
away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose
the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits
him to make the transit with great expedition.
RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture,
otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings
of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our
earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the
White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of
the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a
REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The
charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a
REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain
in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.
REALLY, adv. Apparently.
REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army
that is nearest to Congress.
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.
REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.
Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish
RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously
RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for
the purpose of digging up the dead.
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded
to the player against whom they are loaded.
RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general
RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform
and from a soldier by his gait.
Fresh from the farm or factory or street,
His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
Were an impressive martial spectacle
Except for two impediments – his feet.
RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the
parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.
REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin,
through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The
doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy
religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have
everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
We must awake Man’s spirit from his sin,
And take some special measure for redeeming it;
Though hard indeed the task to get it in
Among the angels any way but teaming it,
Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
I’m awkward at Redemption – a beginner:
My method is to crucify the sinner.
REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.
Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the
king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of
the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own
naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and
it assured moderation in the plaintiff’s choice of a switch.
RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red – at
least not on the outside.
REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; de trop.
The Sultan said: "There’s evidence abundant
To prove this unbelieving dog redundant."
To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive."
Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a
popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view
of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the
perils that we shall not again encounter.
REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to
REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and
Joshua provided six cities of refuge – Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh,
Schekem and Hebron – to which one who had taken life inadvertently
could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable
expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to
enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was
appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of
REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden’s hand
in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a
rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by
a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of
finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the
refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by
some casuists the refusal assentive.
REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such
ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of
Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League
of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society
of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians;
Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of
the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long
Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the
Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant
Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining
Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of
the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the
Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the
Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of
Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror;
Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden;
Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the
Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient
Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity;
Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of
Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential;
the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of
Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star;
Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.
RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the
nature of the Unknowable.
"What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.
"Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it."
"Then why do you not become an atheist?"
"Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism."
"In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants."
RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the
true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam’s ass, the
lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth.
Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent
the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable
times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once
escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter’s and so tickled the noses of
the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three
times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan
in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the
library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was
seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the
diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the
Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.
RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame – a
little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable
than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and
I touched the harp in every key,
But found no heeding ear;
And then Ithuriel touched me
With a revealing spear.
Not all my genius, great as ’tis,
Could urge me out of night.
I felt the faint appulse of his,
And leapt into the light!
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted
from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a
constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to
offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.
REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It
is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not
inconsistent with continuity of sin.
Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,
You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?
How needless! – Nick will keep you off the coals
And add you to the woes of other souls.
REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made
the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which
is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the
replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful
than it looks.
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it
with a tempest of words.
"More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou
Whose ‘lips are sealed’ and will not disavow!"
So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew
Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview."
REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling.
REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House
in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal
prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin,
whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his
conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are
predestined to salvation.
REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing
governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to
enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of
public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from
ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to.
There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between
the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.
REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the
winds sing o’er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of
providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.
RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.
RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an
advantage for a greater advantage.
‘Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed
A true renunciation
Of title, rank and every kind
Of military station –
Each honorable station.
By his example fired – inclined
To noble emulation,
The country humbly was resigned
To Leonard’s resignation –
His Christian resignation.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head
and a bank account.
RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an
inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its
passage to the lungs.
RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin,
to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have
been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of
a disagreeable expectation.
Altgeld upon his incandescend bed
Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief –
Some respite from the roast, however brief."
"Remember how on earth I pardoned all
Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."
"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm
O’er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.
"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,
Your doom I’ll mollify and pains abate.
"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,
Not even the memory of who you are."
Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;
Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.
"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be
As, governing down here, I’d respite thee."
"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack
You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."
A genial chill affected Altgeld’s hide
While they were turning him on t’other side.
Joel Spate Woop
RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in
his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an
elemental unit of a parade.
The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-
and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them.
"Chronicles of the Classes"
RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness
of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external
coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve,
responded to the touch of the angel’s spear. To respond in damages is
to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff’s attorney and,
incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.
RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the
shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days
of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Alas, things ain’t what we should see
If Eve had let that apple be;
And many a feller which had ought
To set with monarchses of thought,
Or play some rosy little game
With battle-chaps on fields of fame,
Is downed by his unlucky star
And hollers: "Peanuts! – here you are!"
"The Sturdy Beggar"
RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public
libraries by gift or bequest.
RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.
RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of
RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon
the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by
In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father
Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the
improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking
What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go
Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet?
Why, what assurance have you ‘twould be so?
‘Tis not so long since you were in a riot,
And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at
Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know
That empires are ungrateful; are you certain
Republics are less handy to get hurt in?
REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields
no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the
American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that
pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their
misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.
REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed
all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know
REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a
To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it,
Although in truth there’s neither bone nor skin to it)
At work upon a book, and so read out of it
The qualities that you have first read into it.
REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of
misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of
the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the
welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch.
Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of
blood, but are accounted worth it – this appraisement being made by
beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The
French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day;
when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are
inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law
RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for
precious metals in the pocket of a fool.
RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another.
The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been
used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious
writers of the fifteenth century – commonly, indeed, regarded as the
founder of the Fastidiotic School.
RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular
novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the
conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine,
and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.
RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property
of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the
luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the
Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid
advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise.
A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in
whom I am well pleased."
John D. Rockefeller
The reward of toil and virtue.
The sayings of many in the hands of one.
To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels
that he can add nothing of value.
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are
uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who
utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident.
Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth – a
ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone
centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance.
What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine
of Infant Respectability?
RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right
to be a king, the right to do one’s neighbor, the right to have
measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally
believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is
still sometimes affirmed in partibus infidelium outside the
enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir
Abednego Bink, following:
By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?
Whose is the sanction of their state and pow’r?
He surely were as stubborn as a mule
Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour
His uninvited session on the throne, or air
His pride securely in the Presidential chair.
Whatever is is so by Right Divine;
Whate’er occurs, God wills it so. Good land!
It were a wondrous thing if His design
A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand!
If so, then God, I say (intending no offence)
Is guilty of contributory negligence.
RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the
Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some
feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it
into several European countries, but it appears to have been
imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found
in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic
passage from which is here given:
"Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of
mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to
the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and
just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state;
and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my
injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be
wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty
to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be
righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful,
in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better
disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain."
RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The
verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually
(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."
RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.
The rimer quenches his unheeded fires,
The sound surceases and the sense expires.
Then the domestic dog, to east and west,
Expounds the passions burning in his breast.
The rising moon o’er that enchanted land
Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.
RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace, attesting to
indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge,
however, the letters originally meant nothing more than reductus in
RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept
or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out
RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear
freedom, keeping off the grass.
ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is
too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
All roads, howsoe’er they diverge, lead to Rome,
Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.
Borey the Bald
ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs.
It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling
companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive,
and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once
there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he
was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story."
ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as
They Are. In the novel the writer’s thought is tethered to
probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance
it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination – free,
lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as
Carlyle might say – a mere reporter. He may invent his characters
and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not
occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes
this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a
lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick
volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle’s ray the black
profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels,
for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it
remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we
have is "The Thousand and One Nights."
ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they
too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one’s
whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex
electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is
rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment.
ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In
America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically
expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English
civil war – so called from his habit of wearing his hair short,
whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other
points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the
fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because
the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair
grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly
barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal
neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation.
Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the
fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this
day beneath the snows of British civility.
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies,
literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions
lying due south from Boreaplas.
RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid’s belief in the
virtue of maids.
RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,
By guard unparried as by flight unstayed,
O serviceable Rumor, let me wield
Against my enemy no other blade.
His be the terror of a foe unseen,
His the inutile hand upon the hilt,
And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen,
Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt.
So shall I slay the wretch without a blow,
Spare me to celebrate his overthrow,
And nurse my valor for another foe.
RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A